Core77

He's been known as Kris Kringle, St. Nick, The Hardest Working Man in Snow Business. Billions of children worldwide know him as Santa Claus. But the harbinger of joy and the bringer of toys for so many has a dark side, in his complicit endorsement of fossil fuels. Join me, Core77 investigative reporter Rain Noe, as I corner the reclusive toy distributor for an exclusive interview on the subject at his Arctic tax-haven toy factory:

"Ho ho hole in the ozone," I say. "For years you've been loading the stockings of bad children with fossil fuels, specifically coal. Do you feel any guilt for your role in damaging the environment?"

"The coal thing started out as a gag that got out of control," Claus admits, "but it's not like I was the one deciding who received them."

"Let me read you some lyrics: He's making a list and checking it twice. This seems to indicate you're the one making the list."

"Listing offenders on paper and actually taking responsibility for who those offenders are is two different things," says Claus, dismissively. "If I ask you to make a list of all the U.S. Presidents, does that mean you put them in office?"

"I suppose not," I say. "So the bottom line is, you take no responsibility for being a distributor of dirty-burning coal."

"Look, I'm not a monster," Claus says. "I read the papers, I know what's going on. The polar ice caps are definitely melting, and that's not going to be good for my real estate holdings. So yes, for years I'd searched for an alternative to coal. But it's not like I can put a little nuclear reactor in a stocking, is it?"

"But there are plenty of other--"

"I'm getting to that," Claus interjects, somewhat testily. He pulls out a clipboard. "What is your full name again, by the way?" I tell him, and my spirits flag as he takes my name down. Going to be a grim Christmas for this reporter.

"As I was saying," Claus continues, "I've had the elves doing research for years on this very topic. Searching for a stocking-sized alternative to coal that's clean-burning and renewable."

"And what have they found?"

"At first, nothing viable. Wind power: won't fit in a stocking. Ethanol: there's a danger the kids will drink it. Solar power: fine for Barbados, terrible for East London."

"Are there a lot of bad kids in East London?" I ask.

"I didn't say that," Claus replies. "Anyways, the bottom line is, we've finally found a solution." He pulls a ziploc bag of what looks like Rice Krispies out of his desk and slides it over to me. I pick it up and examine it.

"What is this?" I ask.

"Pelletized switchgrass," he says.

"Switchgrass," I say. It looks like hamster food.

"It's basically prairie grass, native to North America. Clean-burning. Naturally pest-resistant. Produces high yields with very low fertilizer/pesticide requirements. Will grow in poor conditions--it even binds loose soil and prevents erosion."

"So this is the new lump of coal?" I ask, weighing the bag in my hand.

"That's right," Claus confirms.

"And only the bad kids will get this?" I ask. Claus nods, and I slide the bag back towards him.

"No no, keep it," he says. "You'll be saving me a trip."

Rats.