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DECEMBER 17, 1999
Put The Pedal To The Plastic
In a sign that cars may soon go plastic, DaimlerChrysler will begin producing 5,000 Jeeps a year with roofs made of "a new kind of specially hardened plastic," starting in 2001. Large auto companies have obvious motives for moving towards plastic cars--they're lighter, cheaper to produce, and plastic is worse for the environment.
While modern plastic is reportedly strong enough to build a car out of, some people aren't ready to make the switch. James P. Holden, one of Chrysler's higher-ups, says plastic panels are "not glossy enough yet." Apparently he's never seen Barbie's Dream Corvette. (Speaking of which, how come Ken never had a car? What is he, just some loser always bumming rides off Barbie?)
"She Won't Fit In The Machine!"
This one falls in the category of Technologies I Can't Believe They Discovered. Massachusetts flute manufacturer Steven Wasser has discovered that freezing metal musical instruments, at 325 degrees below zero, actually improves the sound quality.
For those of you familiar with metal production techniques, the making of a brass instrument involves stretching, hammering, and spinning, processes that greatly stress the metal. As with Tori Amos, more stress produces a less pleasing musical sound. Supercooling the instrument apparently brings the molecules back into alignment, producing a clearer resonance the next time you blow through it.
Who'da thunk it, cryogenics for trumpets. In the interest of musical harmony, we here at CORE hope the trend catches on, and that people will apply the cryogenic treatment to saxophones, trombones, and Britney Spears.
'Merry Christmas! Pass the 7/16" Open-End Box Wrench.'
Now that e-commerce has turned window shopping into Windows shopping, the 'net has weaseled its way into another aspect of Christmas--toy assembly. For all those clueless dads who can't put Billy's new Li'l Red Wagon together, there's help in cyberspace: www.netoy.com, which features animations and drawings demonstrating proper assembly (for the toys it sells, of course). Though if you ask me, Santa oughta fire those damn elves for sending unfinished stuff out of the factory anyway. Friggin' elves.
(Moviefone voice:) "If You'd Like to Report a Homicide, Press One!!!"
A company called SecureAlert has developed a $199 cell phone that can only dial 911. The "Magnavox Mobile911" has, in place of a keypad, only a single large red button with "911" emblazoned on it (in case you forgot what it was for). It also has a car-alarm-style siren that can be activated by means of a panic button. "It can make a lot of noise and call for help," explains SecureAlert's Mike Bernstein.
Three reasons why this phone won't go over in New York:
1. We tend to ignore car alarms. (Can you picture this scene? "Honey! My God, get the bat! There's a car alarm going off outside!!!") 2. You could finish a Russian novel in the time it takes 911 to respond. 3. You're just as likely to get shot by the cops as anyone else.
Maybe the phone'll do better in Seattle, where you've got the right combination of riots and coffee to keep people on edge.
DECEMBER 10
MomTech
The latest location for webcams: Day care centers. An estimated 120,000 centers across the country are installing cameras hooked up to the internet; now concerned moms and dads can log on and watch their little hellions eat glue, fingerpaint the teacher and break stuff. And at 15 to 25 bucks a month, it's an easy, affordable way to acclimate your child to surveillance.
The Wrong Stuff
Apparently being a rocket scientist is no longer a mark of supreme intelligence. The boys and girls at NASA have done it again--they've lost contact with a $165 million ship, the Mars Polar Lander. This comes just months after they lost the $125 million Mars Climate Orbiter (back in September) due to, get this, a mix-up between English and metric units in navigation data.
This is nothing new to NASA; back in '93 their Mars Observer vanished, and it had a price tag of (ouch) 1 billion dollars ("Save the receipt! Save the receipt!")
To be fair, an internal investigation conducted by NASA claimed that the Mars Program was "desperately short of time, personnel and money, with designers pushed to the breaking point."
To be unfair, of 5 missions recently sent to Mars, NASA made it there just twice. That's only 2 more times than I've gone, and I'm not even an astronaut. In short, these guys spent 1.9 billion dollars, and I almost tied them.
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue...Flussshhh!
Why would you want a clear acrylic toilet tank? 'Cause the front half (when separated from the plumbing in the rear) can be used to house pet fish, as Brooklyn designer Oliver Beckert has discovered. Now you can order his Aquarium Toilet for $1,200 through Elseware Design at <<www.elseware.to>>. The disturbingly transparent tank means you take a crap while our little finned friends observe the whole sordid ritual, and read over your shoulder.
If y'ask me, it's kind of strange to house the fish directly over the receptacle that will eventually claim them; kind of like having an apartment overlooking a cemetery. But sadists will enjoy the opportunity to stage dramatic fish executions in plain view of the rest of the fish populace.
"Gosh, I Hope The Elevator's Working...."
The new Tallest Building in the World, 7 South Dearborn Street, is scheduled to be completed in Chicago by 2003. At some 155 stories, the building probably violates zoning laws in Heaven. Let's hope the construction workers don't come down all speaking different languages.
Design innovations: To deal with wind, swaying and noise, each floor will be a cantilevered slab anchored to a 66-foot-square concrete core, which will eliminate the slightly moving (and therefore groaning) columns typical of skyscrapers. To further reduce wind noise, corners are rounded, and the building is notched.
To give you an idea of the scale: If you were to face up to the fact that you voted for Clinton and jump off the 155-story roof, you'd fall approximately 38 stories before you'd hit the top of the World Trade Center. (At which point you'd stagger to your feet and throw yourself over the edge again.) The total height of the building (including antennae) is an awe-inspiring 2,000 feet, making it a sure bet that the aliens in Independence Day 2 will blow this thing right the hell up.
Toys With My Emotions
While some of us were using CG to render furniture and consumer products, the people at Disney were rendering two little animated bastards that make more money than all of us. Toy Story 2 pulled in a whopping $57.4 million over Thanksgiving weekend.
$57.4 million. At my current annual salary, it would take me over 1,000 years to make the amount that Buzz Lightyear and his pal Woody made in one weekend. And they're not even real. It's things like this that make me want to go straight home and hang myself..
DECEMBER 8
The New York Long Times: All The News That'll Fit In 50 Cubic Feet
While Jim Croce wanted to save time in a bottle, the New York Times wants to save it in a capsule.
The New York Times Capsule will be on exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History, starting Saturday the 4th. (Out-of-towners can pick up this Sunday's New York Times Magazine for a look.) But this ain't your regular steel-box time capsule; the folks at the Times held a yearlong competition for the design of the capsule itself.
The winning design, by Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava, is "an origami-like module [that] can be opened in segments to contain 50 cubic feet of storage." No word as to what the contents will be, though I was kinda hoping they could stuff Ricky Martin in there before they seal the thing on March 26.
Once sealed, the capsule will stay shut for a while; they've left instructions to crack it open in the year 3000. Right in time for the Y3K crisis.
Coke Detector
Barringer Technologies has just released the Sabre 2000, a hi-tech device for detecting narcotics. Marketed towards law enforcement agencies and the military, the hand-held contraption works by sensing vapors and airborne particles released by cocaine and the like. "We believe Sabre 2000 can make a significant impact in the war on drugs," said Barringer's president, Kenneth Wood. (The one thing that would really win the drug war, People Who Don't Want To Take Drugs, is apparently too difficult to develop.)
Big Brown Dork
This holiday season, shop ergonomically. Manhattan inventor Robert Mentken has come up with a paper shopping bag that has backpack straps instead of handles--the idea is to evenly distribute the weight of all that crap you're buying across your shoulders. Now you'll look more like a beast of burden than ever.
The bag, called the BakSak, looks similar to a regular paper shopping bag, but with the aforementioned adjustable straps. Mentken hopes the recently patented BakSak will hit stores, and your back, by the holidays. Great--for all of us guys whose girlfriends drag us along shopping with them, here's yet another way we can look like dorks.
Marketing Vision
Looking for product inspiration? A recent Times article pointed out that many products currently in use by the general public were originally created for use by the blind. Examples of this are typewriters, flatbed scanners, text-to-speech software, even large-handle can openers. As the article explains, "Blindness has led to [many] innovations that have later migrated to the general population." (Which may also explain why Jamiroquai's latest album sounds a lot like old Stevie Wonder.)
Takes A Lickin' And Keeps On Cheatin'
Innovative design. Two men from Queens were recently arrested for designing and renting a series of watches that tell more than the time--the wristbands feature rows of multicolored beads, in patterns that correspond to correct answers on the New York State commercial driver's license exam! Somebody stayed up late for that one.
The Queens men were caught renting the watches to would-be truck drivers taking the test. But man, where were these guys when we had to take the S.A.T.s?
Bus' A Move
Los Angeles, City of Angels and Satanic traffic conditions, is going hi-tech with its buses. Starting next summer, special transponders mounted in the buses will send signals to nearby traffic lights, making green lights last longer and reds pass more quickly. The MTA hopes the new transponders will shorten bus travel times by up to 25%.
I, personally, would like to begin abusing this technology immediately. If there are any unscrupulous MTA employees reading this who know how the transponder works, e-mail me the details and I'll make sure Santa leaves you a little something extra under the tree.
Ejection Notice
Ejector seats, escape pod propellants, evacuation slides. Got another idea for emergency airplane exits? You may want to give a call to B.F. Goodrich, the company that manufacturers the aforementioned items. Goodrich has just purchased Boeing's ejection-seat manufacturing capabilities, which likely means they'll be taking over the task of getting U.S. Air Force pilots out of trouble in a jiffy. Though business may be slow until the Iraqis develop better aim....
Q is for Quit
If B.F. Goodrich doesn't like your ideas, try giving James Bond a call. Long-suffering gadget-meister Q, who looks to be somewhere in his early 100s, was killed in a car accident. He was replaced by none other than John Cleese. Meaning that 007 can now fire missiles by sticking his finger up his nose. |
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