posted 12-20-2003 01:16 PM              

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

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REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none. So?

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SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

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COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

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CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

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DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

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BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

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AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

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FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

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JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

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GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

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ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch. Life is good.

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RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

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TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

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IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go in hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

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FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow

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CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.

posted 12-27-2003 02:19 PM              

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit,
my best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress non-addictive, gender
neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or the secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all.

May you have a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of
the onset of the generally accepted calendar year
2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to
society have helped to make us great and without regard to the race,
creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith,
political belief, height, choice of com! puter platform or
sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are accepting these
terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It is freely transferable. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for herself or himself or others, is void where
prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to
perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever
comes first, and the warranty is limited to
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at
the sole discretion of the wisher.