"Well no, it doesn't work great as a smartphone. But we have found that if you throw it, it comes back to you, which is pretty cool."
True story: This is a $418 luxury "designer" leather tissue dispenser that you have to open and load with a stack of tissues.
"This will be a positive addition to my lifestyle (as soon as I figure out how the orientation lock on an iPad works)."
"I'm trying to marry the addictiveness of something you can pop repeatedly with an object that only needs to be manipulated once per day. And actually, it doesn't matter if you can't control yourself and pop all of the bubbles; popping one doesn't actually provide any visual difference."
Haven't you always wanted a partially-transparent bathtub, so that anyone viewing you can see you from the least-flattering angle possible?
"After you fill it and empty it just 117 times, it pays for itself!"
"That's a good point, I guess there isn't any good way to clean these. But look at how there's a shark inside! A SHARK!"
If the color of water bores you and you need to shower in a rainbow, you're either out of problems, or not focusing on any real problems that might exist in your life.
"Now that you mention it, yes, females have stopped coming into the store. But they're only 50% of our customer base, so I guess it's fine."
"This is a dedicated smartphone screen cleaner. The replaceable cleaning pads only cost $10 for a two-pack! Once you buy one of these, you'll wonder how you ever got by without…you know what, screw this. I'm not reading this goddamn copy. No, fuck you, I quit."